FEATURE ARTICLE:March 2003

The following script was performed at the Greenville, SC Sherlock Holmes Birthday Gala on 11 January 2003. It is reprinted here with the kind permission of the author, Dr. Tracy Revels. It may be on interest to the reader to know that a name previously associated with "The Survivors of the Gloria Scott" was "The Knights of Shag." Although the reference to "shag" here was to

Austin Powers in Live and Let Shag
By: Tracy J. Revels, Ph.D.

Cast of Characters

Holmes
Watson
Mrs. Hudson
Austin Powers
Mycroft
Irene Adler
Sebastian Moran
Dr. More-Evil-Ty

 


WATSON: I must say Holmes, preventing the theft of Prince Edward's family jewels has got to be your finest case yet! You'll be knighted for---good heavens, what is that parked in front of our door?

HOLMES: It appears to be a hansom cab bedecked with the Union Jack.

WATSON: With purple fringe on the top? How bizarre. Wait, what's that I hear?

MRS. HUDSON: HELP!

HOLMES: Quickly, Watson. Some fiend is assaulting our landlady! Help me break down the door. WATSON: Couldn't we just use our key?

HOLMES: Hi-yah! (Judo sound)

WATSON: Guess not. See here you villain, unhand that woman!

POWERS: That's not a woman. That's a man, baby!

MRS HUDSON: Ouch!

POWERS: Why-won't-this-wig---come-off? EEEEEOOOWWHHHH!

HOLMES: A swift kick to the bradshaw. Good show, Mrs. Hudson!

MRS. HUDSON: Oh, I do wish you'd find another line of work, Mr. Holmes. I can't stand it when these blokes attack me. Why did he think I was a man?

WATSON: Your little mustache, maybe?

MRS. HUDSON: Just because it's nicer than yours is no cause to be nasty, doctor!

POWERS: I'll tell you why I attacked her---I thought she was the man who is due any minute to kill Sherlock Holmes.

HOLMES: I beg your pardon.

POWERS: You see, I'm from the future. Dr. Evil has used his time machine to come back to 1895 to kill Sherlock Holmes. He'll be wearing some clever disguise, but I'll be on the lookout to stop him. WATSON: I don't understand. Why would a physician from the future want to kill Holmes?

POWERS: Because Mr. Holmes is my…. great-grandfather! If he dies, I will never be born.

WATSON and HOLMES: (Explode in laughter)

POWERS: Yuck it up all you like, but it won't be very funny when Dr. Evil uses his "brain zapper" on you.

HOLMES: I believe your brain has been zapped already, you dentally challenged moron.

MRS. HUDSON: There's the doorbell. I'll see who it is.

POWERS: Careful! Oh no---its FAT BASTARD!

HOLMES: That's no way to speak to my brother. Come in, Mycroft. Take a load off. Or, in your case, take several loads off.

MYCROFT: Sherlock, I've just learned that there is a plot afoot to kill you.

POWERS: See! I told you so.

MYCROFT: Irene Adler has been hired by Sebastian Moran to do the deed.

POWERS: Wait---it isn't possible! She's my great-grandmother!

MRS. HUDSON: Ahem! Mr. Holmes, is there something you should tell us about?

WATSON: Yes, what were you really up to during the "Great Hiatus"? Looking in on Mecca? Visiting a lama? Rightttt…..

HOLMES: This is ludicrous. Let's go over to The Woman's house and straighten it out.

POWERS: Great. We can take my shag-wagon.

HOLMES: I have enough tobacco, thank you. (Everyone makes clopping sounds)

HOLMES: I wonder what The Woman is really up to.

IRENE: Well, by my calculations, those fools should be here any minute, walking right into our trap.

MORAN: Very good, my dear. You're sure you know what to do?

IRENE: Of course. My powers of seduction are at their height.

MORAN: Don't I know it!

IRENE: So is that your air-gun or are you just happy to see me? Wait---they're here! Hide! Oh, hello Mr. Holmes…. to what do I owe the honor?

HOLMES: Miss Adler, there appears to be a misunderstanding. I believe you know everyone except our new companion, Mr. Austin Powers.

POWERS: Rrrwwhhhhh! Just call me Oedipus! You are one foxy great-grandma!

WATSON: If you want to get back to the future, you'd better keep quiet.

POWERS: But my mojo is off the scale! Yeah, baby!

IRENE: Ah…charmed, I'm sure. Mr. Holmes, before we talk business, can I have a moment alone with the good doctor. I need him to prescribe something for my headaches.

WATSON: I'll be glad to help. Let's go in your room for a consultation.

POWERS: Is he really a doctor?

HOLMES: He did attend medical school, so he's licensed to kill.

POWERS: I hope he knows what he's doing, because according to my calculations, Lackin Powers, my grandfather, is conceived tonight!

MRS. HUDSON: Now maybe I understand why we had to pick up the roses and wine on the way.

MYCROFT: Sherlock, can I have a word with you?

SHERLOCK: Yes, Mycroft?

MYCROFT: Maybe we'd better have a quick discussion about the birds and the bees.

SHERLOCK: I know all about bees. I plan to raise them when I'm retired.

MYCROFT: Sherlock, you are clueless. Powers, you are dead.

POWERS: I don't understand it. The mojo was always so strong in our family. That's why my grandfather changed his name to Powers! It only makes sense that I---the international man of mystery---am descended from the world's greatest detective. But maybe there's been a mistake.

EVIL: Your fatal mistake, Powers! Aha, I've taken you all by surprise!

HOLMES: It's Moriarty, back from the grave!

EVIL: No, I'm Doctor More-Evil-Ty---and I like the Victorian world so much I think I'll stay in it, even after I'll killed you, Holmes, and erased Powers from existence. Prepare to-

MORAN: BANG! Ha, I…. dammit, I missed again!

POWERS: But you shot More-Evil-Ty!

MRS. HUDSON: He's not dead, just stunned. Funny, he looks familiar.

MORAN: I think his great-grandfather is the Evil Dr. Boob.

EVERYONE: Inventor of the Boob job?

MORAN: That be him! POWERS: Whoever he's related to, he's under arrest and going back to 2003 with me!

MYCROFT: And you're under arrest, Moran, for trying to kill my brother. And you're under arrest too, Mrs. Hudson.

MRS. HUDSON: What for?

MYCROFT: Impersonating a man! Come along now, both of you.

MORAN and HUDSON: Ratsafratzaratzanhower (Mumbling)

POWERS: Well, gramps, it was nice to meet you.

HOLMES: Mr. Powers, before you go, let me solve a little mystery for you. I am NOT your great-grandfather.

POWERS: But if you're not, who is?

HOLMES: Peek around that door. (Passionate sounds!)

IRENE: Doctor, your canon will always be remembered!

WATSON: Oh, be-have! Yeah baby, yeah!!!!!!

Back to the Greenville Gala


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